Eclipses and Moons

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“Remember that time you sold your dining table so you could get your pussy waxed?” – my bff today

My life is full of wild experience.
I make the rules.
When I get stuck, I break my rules.
I let myself be wild. Hell, it’s gotten me this far.
Even this photo shoot was en route to moving to China. I had 2 suit cases and a wild idea.

This new moon and eclipse is no joke, especially since my moon is in Cancer.
How I don’t drown, is I play.
Let myself be wild, say NO, dance to everything, send dirty text messages, growl and writhe and plot.
Yesterday I was feeling low, so I practiced my best Dolly Parton lip sync to “Why’d You Come In Here” to surprise my girlfriend when she got home.
Today I’m not putting clothes on.
Tomorrow I’m leaving on an adventure with my lover.

The energies are intense. Bringing up feminine wounds, emotional floods, karmic choices, and if we’re not careful, we can get swept away.

On this new moon,
write a dirty poem in your journal, dance naked, yell “Fuck” at the top of your lungs and flirt with anyone that walks past you.
Let yourself feel the power of wild. Break the rules.

 
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In my Moon Group we will be harnessing water energy and healing our ancestors. Stay tuned xx
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Purpose

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Leonard Cohen wrote “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

It’s beautiful, it’s profound, it’s blatantly misused.
Today more people than ever want to live a conscious life. They are searching for purpose instead of status, meaning instead of riches. Which is fantastic. But what happens when spiritual principles get thrown around without being shown the spiritual path?
It creates a shiny facade of ways to look spiritual, and a glaring gap between where you are and where you think you should be. A rift between yourself and your “higher self”.
I should know, I’ve beaten myself up plenty over who I really am and how I think the world wants me to be. Especially the world of spirituality.
The conscious marketing of “making our wounds our purpose” has manipulated and bankrupt so many. You see, when I began the journey of healing my wounds holistically, I was inadvertantly sold that my purpose is now to help others release these wounds. I was then told that being a spiritual teacher is not how you make money, it’s teaching teachers. It’s creating a school of people who can learn the watered down techniques that you just paid for.
It lead to a lot of suffering, and eventually landing back to the place I came from. Heal myself, but be lead by my heart.
We’re born on this earth already GOOD. Our genius is already encoded in us. The things that we’re good at need to be practiced and honed, but not bought and packaged. Most of the time, our purposeis not a thing, it’s a path. The certain flair that you bring into the world. Your signature.
Don’t get me wrong, I continue to teach. Yet, the shift for me was relating to what I am naturally good at. Focusing on that. Honing it. And then sharing it.
Our wound is not our purpose
 
We all have tons of wounds, we’re human. We have to stop over identifying with our pain, letting people swoop in and monetize on it. Identify with what you’re good at. What lights you up, makes you feel alive.
Want to know my huge purpose in life?
I create beauty.
That can be through writing, moon circles, dancing naked in the desert, or simply the seasons I sprinkle on my chicken. My purpose is to create beauty.
It’s not as complicated as I would like it to be. It’s not as hard as I think it should be. Nor did I need my pain to find it or to validate it.
Life automatically comes with pain. Stop protecting your wounds and facilitating them, creating your identity around them. Let them heal. And let yourself identify with what feels good. It’s a softer side to healing. It’s the beauty of being a human.

Join myself and Carisa Banuelos for a live 4 week journey www.thesexualself.org

 

Coming Home

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What lies have I been telling myself?

How far has my soul travelled?

 

I’m home.
Not just in my body.
Not just in Texas or around people I love.
My soul is home.
I left Texas because I had it in my head I wouldn’t be accepted for my spiritual gifts.
My ability to awaken spirit in dark places, my fire to empower and nourish the feminine, my creativity and connection to the Earth.
I thought I had to leave to get some peace.
Except I’m back in Texas, and people are ready. They’ve seen me all along and I feel their soul sighing “Finally”.
On this full moon ask yourself:

What lies have I told myself?

How far has my soul travelled?

What if I relax into my own being?
Join me tonight at 6:30pm PST for a beautiful Capricorn ritual online. Coming together in sisterhood is one of the most powerful things we can do.

Connecting you back to your soul, letting your mind and body relax into who you really are.
Message me for details: chooselove.live@gmail.com
📸: @wild.pines.photography

A Bus To Mexico

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I can always take a bus to Mexico.

This is what I would tell myself when life got too hard.

Last year I struggled with suicide. A very close mentor committed suicide and I found myself going to the dark place of “God, not existing would feel really great.”

If she couldn’t do it, what makes me think I can?

What’s worse, I fell in love.

I met the man of my dreams and I was terrified my darkness would be too strong one day and I would break this precious man.

I held him off as long as I could, but my heart was longing to open.

I had lost my desire to live. I remember the spark coming back, staring into the eyes of an 18 year old Puerto Rican boy from Harlem.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“I want to live.”

Hearing myself say those words out loud shocked my system. I wanted to live! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but I wasn’t sure if you’re supposed to talk about this. Would I be coddled? Would the validity of my work be questioned? Could I be trusted?

So I kept my secret. Tampering my victory. Telling only a discreet few about my battle.

When I was young, I’d been through it all. My only solace was the bathroom. No one could bother me there. I was taking up to 2 baths per day before the age of 13. Wanting to escape, but not knowing how. There was a voice inside of me that said “If things get too hard, take a bus to Mexico and start over.” That is how I made it through my childhood. If things get too hard, there’s always Mexico.

I didn’t have to wait until 18. I escaped right before my 17th birthday. I began creating a life I desired. Dancing, friends, art and sex. A part of me didn’t feel deserving. I craved my parents’ love and approval. I wanted them to see me as good.

In my young eyes, my dad can’t stand when you’re happy. He loves a good victim. The only time he is soft or gentle is when you’re sick. But I just couldn’t play sick anymore. It wasn’t who I am. So I battled internally: How do I make him love me?

I eventually met the answer. Marry someone just like him. It lasted a good 8 years.

Except the fighter in me couldn’t handle the misery. So instead of Mexico, I went to Paris. I met God there.

I came back, moved to New York, and then created a life I loved. Dancing, friends, art and sex.

When I met Her I was instantly shaken. A miracle for someone like me. The desire for her to approve of me immediately raised my guard, but the more I worked with her, the more I could feel. She wanted to help me be successful. To be powerful. To be rich.

Her background was a lot like mine. Mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Strict religious doctrine. And a heart so big, she carried the world’s pain. I felt safe. I had direction and a guide to measure myself against.

Until she couldn’t. Some say she was murdered, but the destitute tone in her voice the week before she died, I knew that voice.

The “I’m so tired, it would be so nice to rest” voice. There was a cloud that was following me after. Looking at me. Waiting for an introduction. As I scrambled to keep going, it came.

Telling me dark things. Offering solace. It would come and go, but when I hadn’t slept, drank too much wine or lost a contract- there was that voice.

“I know it’s hard, poor girl. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could rest…”

But I persisted. Suicide was not my path, and not a voice I felt at home with.

A friend of mine, sick of my cloudiness, enrolled me in an intensive leadership course. 2 days of breaking down old constructs and stories. I was free to admit that I was in pain, and that I actually wanted to live. I decided that day to file for bankruptcy and to move to China.

Huge milestones of choosing myself, choosing love, and everyday choosing life.

Giving up things that bring me down (alcohol, not eating, oversleeping, trying to prove my worth), I was able to connect with myself on a deeper level.

As I see this ripple through my life, I will never forget the time that I almost gave up.

Not a bus to Mexico, not a plane to Paris, but a deeper connection to life.

Divine Sisterhood

 

sisterhoodI have been blessed in my life with Divine Sisterhood.

I forget how much women need it. How we need each other. We need to be held, be seen. How much our magic awakens, our power roars and our tears and joy flows when we’re together in a sacred space.

I’ve had many lives as a priestess, as a prostitute, as a leader. In this life I am called to share the knowledge, through sisterhood.

Join me June 13th for a powerful ritual in the new moon of Gemini. This ritual will connect us back to our soul’s communication, call in your beloved soul partnership, and clear away the baggage you’ve been carrying for too long.

This four week journey is only open to 4 women.

We will dive deep into Goddess Worship, ritual, healing,  Tantric principles and cosmic guides. There is so much energy around us, welcoming us to join in a sacred place and unlock our power.

If you’re called to join this work, please schedule a call at:

http://www.calendly.com/chooselove-live

If you schedule a call by June 6, I will send you a divine Goddess meditation and ritual for abundance, beauty and prosperity.

Much Love,

Amy

Tantra 101

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“Why can’t I relax? He’s handsome, he is SOO into me AND he’s a doctor. Just enjoy it!”- My inner monologue as my lover licks the inside of my thigh.

I was so tired of over analyzing relationships and clenching my way through encounters.
I’ll admit, I found tantra because I wanted to have sex again after a passionless relationship and a lack of self-confidence. What I thought was a practice of how to be good at sex, turned out to be a practice of how to become more myself and feel really good in life.

Tantra historically is rooted in Bhuddist and Hindu practices, but can be traced back to ancient Babylon and Egypt. In India specifically, the Europeans coined the term “tantra” as a religious set of rituals. Where in the true culture and nature, tantra simply means “to weave”.

Tantra means many things to different people, just like any yoga or meditation practice. I have spoken and read so many traditional opinions on tantra, but it doesn’t mean I have to follow their path. I will give you my experiences and perception as a Tantra teacher, a coach, and a modern woman.

I didn’t know I was studying tantra until I was completely immersed. I would be drawn to a specific meditation or writer online and eat up everything they produced. I then started following Psalm Isadora. She scared me to death, but she was the embodiment of what I wanted.
She was shameless, confident, sexy and was not a people pleaser.
The opposite of how I felt at the time.
I have boiled my most profound tantric awakenings to 4 ideas.

  1. Sexual energy is our most powerful force and we can tap into it at any time.

It all starts with intention. Tantra is about life force, our energy. It’s the idea that I can tap into my sexual energy and use that endless vitality in my life. I can use this harnessed power to enhance my love life, have amazing sex but to also have a healthy body, a stimulating career along with deep intimacy and connection with myself. I can heal the darkest parts of myself and separate my fears.

  1. Slow Down.

Foreplay is key, but not just with sex. When you stop to eat a meal: Do you smell it? Take in the colors and shapes and properly let yourself relax, before you intake? Go so slow that your mouth waters, your body begins to anticipate and crave what you’re about to give it. Everything is sex. Breathing, eating, dancing- it’s all fucking with the molecules around us. Lean into that. Let everything you do, be done in pleasure. And the slower you go, the better it is.

  1. Desires are good.

The things that light us up lead us to our purpose and our joy. I have learned that my desires are divine genius. If there is something that I truly want, it’s going to bring me closer to my truer self. We are inundated with roles and messages as women. How to dress, what to want, how to act. Tantra strips you back to the girl before she took on all the titles of “Good girl”, “Bitch”, “Responsible employee”, “Martyr” or “Sweet girl”. Tantra removes shame and guilt from our bodies and most importantly, from our desires. The big, big dreams or maybe just the silly inclination that makes us giggle. Follow that pull.

  1. Your body is intelligent.

We live in a world from the neck up. We overemphasize our thoughts and forget about our bodies. Eventually, our bodies become numb to pleasure. Then pain pops up, begging for our attention. You see, pleasure provides us with so much healing. I view tantra as a healing modality to the disconnection we experience with our bodies, our families, and in our relationships. Science has proven time and time again that tantra/orgasms are good for your health. When we are flooded with oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin (naturally) we sleep better, we eat better, we think better and are overall happier and connected.

Through breath work, meditation, intention, and orgasmic yoga I began to unlock my emotions and my body. I was no longer afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t need alcohol to dance or flirt. I could stand up to people and use my voice.
In our culture we are obsessed with sex, but repelled by intimacy it’s so easy to disconnect. Tantra is a bridge back to health, back to pleasure and authentic intimacy. You can begin to integrate tantra into your everyday life by taking intentional deep breaths, slowing down and being aware of the sensations in your body and speaking up for your desires.

 

The Magic of Speaking Up

If we haven’t connected in the New Year, you may not know about The Magic of Psalm– a non profit that delivers comprehensive, holistic, and clear Sex Education and Wellness training.

We are a team of badass women that are ready to make a difference in the world. We have been posting everyday for 30 days on sexuality, our mission and global healing.

Day 18 recaps 2017 and the beautiful pivots we have made in America, shaking up a broken system, and learning how to use our voices.

The Magic of Psalm- Day 18 of 30 Video 

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Join us on Facebook, or checkout our website: www.themagicofpsalm.com

End of An Era

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I am a feminist , I am a sexual educator and above all- I am a woman.

This past year I have seen and heard biting and cutting remarks from heroes and heroines of mine and I would like to share what I’ve learned.

I would like to address Donna Karan, Marianne Williamson, Psalm Isadora- and many other figureheads that we turn to for direction and apologize for not letting you be human.

I started teaching tantra in 2015. Except, the tantra I was learning, I couldn’t find anywhere else in the world. I didn’t want to create spaces for over sexualization or new agey touching. I wanted to create a conversation around tangible tools to feel safe in my body. To reconnect my body to my mind and my soul.

I started reading Osho, watching women like Kim Anami and Psalm Isadora. Knowing that there was something unlocking in me. I opened my practice in 2015 and had a few clients, but it was a hard sell. How could I communicate that I wanted sex to be normal and I wanted orgasms to be a form of mediation without sounding paltry in our society?

Life became a lot easier in 2016 when Donald Trump put the word “pussy” on everyone’s tongue. People were ringing my phone off the hook, telling me their stories of abuse, trauma, shame and disconnection. Things began to shift.

Harvey Weinstein was then exposed as a sexual predator. The hashtag #metoo flooded my news feeds, and again, my phone was ringing off the hook.

I found myself at a movie screening last night at Donna Karan’s place, Urban Zen. The statement of her flippant dismissal of sexual assault played through my mind. My initial reaction was a clenched “Uh, oh. This is going to be interesting.”, but I took a moment to pause. Had I not had 2 lessons this week in not villainizing people, but looking at their actions?

Earlier this week, a rather nasty article from The Daily Beast came out about the death of my teacher and mentor, Psalm Isadora. Yes, she committed suicide. Yes, she was a controversial woman who triggered me like no other. This article made her life and her death into a Hollywood Gossip column. It was a cruel and powerful reminder of how our world is shifting. Going out the door are the days of absolute leaders and guides (wahe guru). I see a shift in society and perspective. Millenials no longer believe everything they read and no longer give all of their power to famous figure heads.

We are learning to value ourselves and not the infallacy of the rich and famous.

There is still stickiness and old conditioning around, but it’s heading out the door.

I read the article, acknowledging that my teacher was in fact a lot of things, but not a criminal, a succubus or a fraud. She was a woman. She had her own pain, made a ton of mistakes, and changed my life. Does one word or action that we disagree with take away a legacy of powerful medicine and inspired work?

I was at a Marianne Williamson lecture last week and I heard a sharp dismissal of the #metoo voice that shocked me to my core. I was livid. It was insensitive and cruel from a woman I admire and love so deeply.

The next week, the day the Daily Beast article came out, I was fiercely defending the privacy and humanity of Psalm, when my attention switched to Marianne. “Well, she was out of line. There’s no way I’m going this week to her lecture. It was absolutely wrong.” As I stomped around midtown and swam in my judgements, I noticed my surroundings. I was no where near the coffee shop for my 11:00am appointment, I was standing in front of Marianne’s apartment building.

And it hit me. She’s just a woman, and so am I.

This powerful lesson lead me to showing up Tuesday, mic running for Marianne and helping her take inventory of her books. Feeling solid that she is a human and so am I.

Last night again, I learned this powerful lesson. Part of me went to this event to be in the same room as Donna Karan. To watch her. To study her. To feel if she had an agenda or a frigidity.

Except when I met her that night, she was just a woman. Just like me. She’s loved, she’s lost, and she loves some more. She went into depth of the work of her late husband, giving me a tour of his art studio, sharing her passion for people, healing, and love.

And I realized, one bad statement to the press shut my heart to a person that has spent her life creating spaces of healing, creating opportunities to love and to expand. She is also subject to her conditioning and her pain.

I also see myself. The big opportunities to travel, to speak, to teach on women’s rights, sexual health and sacred sexuality. I am doing my life’s work, and yet, I am a woman. I don’t have as much experience, I didn’t study with every teacher in India, I don’t have a degree in Psychology, but I know myself. And I know my work. As we move into an era of trusting ourselves deeply and not putting so much weight in public appearances, I ask for mercy. Just as I would give to you. Give to Psalm. Give to Marianne and Donna.

Do not give your power to celebrities, so that when you are devastated, they are stoned. We are all just people. Do not take someone down for being human.

I know from my experience how important using your words, expressing your pain, recapturing your voice is. It’s the first step to great change. Sometimes we see people getting stuck in this stage, only wanting to express and not doing anything about it. Which is where it takes compassion to see that everyone is in pain. It’s just the world we live in.

 

We Speak

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Don’t get me wrong, I do yell and scream. Stomp my feet and grit my teeth.
But when it comes to making lasting change and being heard on a deep level, compassion is my path.
I’d like to share with you my honest opinion of #metoo.
As a coach who works with sexual abuse and trauma survivors, expression is important.
Feeling the connection of not being alone is profoundly healing.


To move from emotion to expression to healing to action is my formula of power.
Reading posts, many people don’t understand abuse or the darkness or the symptoms and it rips me up inside. But I am reminded to stay patient and open.


As I was telling a journalist yesterday, data is gold.


The numbers on sexual violence and abuse are inaccurate because we don’t talk about it.
Our judicial system is broken when it comes to sex crime investigations- if you have experienced reporting a sex crime, my heart goes out to you. It is traumatizing.
Many state workers are improperly trained or overworked to handle such delicate matters.

Our school systems are lacking a comprehensive sexual education system. Knowledge is power. The more we know about ourselves and our bodies, the less in the dark we will be and the less tragedies will be inflicted.


Our society as a whole is hungry for this knowledge, but have very little access to healthy sexuality. Why do you think sex sells? Because we are looking for a piece of ourselves and will pay anything for it.
#metoo is opening up a conversation I’ve been begging to have for years.


I ask that people keep in mind that just because reported sexual abuse and crimes are shown to be from men, many of my clients (and myself) have suffered abuse, trauma and harassment from women.


I ask that you start a conversation, without a point, without a goal, but to just open it up.
We don’t have to yell, but we do have to speak.