Just send the text….
So I did. Then I obsessed over it all day. Did he dismiss me? Should I write him off already?
Vulnerability is something I am working on.
When it comes to love, I still flounder from time to time. With certain men I am able to lay it all on the table and stand in my truth. With others- not sure if it’s when I feel like I have something to lose or if there are triggers with patterns from my father, I am paralyzed.
I overthink. Obsess. Clam up, lash out, shut out or charge. Typical daddy issues.
Yet, I feel peaceful and calm towards my father. I’ve forgiven him for not being there for me, why am I still reacting to him abandoning me?
I want to scream that I’m too old for this shit and run away, but I’m tired of running away. I want to stop reliving these patterns. I’m willing to see this differently.
I notice my past relationships took a lot of flack for issues that I personally had from my family of origin. Sorry, guys (and girls).
I’m ready for a new kind of partnership. A conscious one. I want a man that is whole and complete in himself. He’s healthy, strong, emotionally intelligent, committed to a sense of purpose outside of himself. Someone who can see me, hear me, actually hold me and isn’t uncomfortable with my full range of emotions. No attachments to outcomes and can be fully present. Geared toward growth and expansion, not “settling down”.
Expect to feel abandoned, angry, rejected, hopeless, trapped, or alone- and realize that it’s not about me.
There’s room to feel. Rage, grief, hunger, helplessness, outrageous joy, passion.
He is honest about who he is, even when I don’t want to hear or see it.
We get to practice love and start over each day.
It is not my job to make him happy. Nor is it his job to alter his behavior for me. It’s about soul stuff. So the closer he is to himself, the more I can also be free.
To get myself ready, I’m doing the heavy lifting. I’m tapping into my grief and anger through embodiment, community and wild release. Meditation helps. Noticing an emotion I want to push away, I get quiet, lie down and talk my way through it. “I’m angry. I’m angry because..”. Sometimes I scream, stomp or punch a pillow. Channeling this rage into a drive and passion to better myself is the ultimate goal.
Standing up for myself in current non romantic relationships has been pretty easy and most of my friends respond with “It’s about time”. The ones who don’t have fallen away, and that’s okay.
Making myself a priority took some time. I am allowed to be glamorous. I am allowed to get exactly what I need or want in each moment. I am allowed to make my passions a priority.
I also had to realize that my father is not the end all be all of judgements. This one was tough for me. I spent most of my life building a standard that he might approve of. Looking for his love in my career, my marriage, my appearance and demeanor. Except he makes mistakes just like everyone else. I was born to be me, not to mirror him. This had to be one of the most freeing recognitions.
That and not expecting my family to change even though I have.
I want to be a reflection of the man I want. I have to show up as myself on every date. Send the scary text messages, not be afraid to walk away or piss him off. The only way to get there is to start practicing.
No more editing myself. No more cowering, settling or lessening.
I am wild. I am alien. I am divine and I’m also soft. It’s a phenomenal mixture.