As I sit among the stars, seeing my little body kneeling by the sea, I knew this was so much bigger than me.
There is an old story in my family that my mother’s mother’s mother’s mother’s father’s mother was a brave woman. She was born in Russia and lived there with her two boys and husband. She was washing clothes in a creek when her and the other women were surrounded by Mongolian soldiers. The women were taken for sex slaves. My ancestor stood her ground and refused to submit. As punishment, the Mongols cut her wrists in public view. Slowly letting her bleed to death.
The significance of this story speaks volumes for the women in my family. Our joy has bled out onto the dirt.
We tie our joy to our family, our martyrdom, our submission. We cannot hold our joy and let it grow.
There is so much darkness in my mother’s family line. Many of the stories are long buried. Incest, predators, alcoholism, violence, sickness.
My mother was married off at 14. My sister at 19. Myself at 23.
Years of abuse. Submission. Pain. Acceptance.
It was as if we put ourselves in these situations, keeping the cycle of our ancestors. Not knowing a way out. I find parts of myself clinging to the comfort of being told who I am and what I should do. The reason I couldn’t completely push my father’s influence away or not panic at the idea of structuring my life according to my needs.
Then a voice in me said “No more”.
I was being lead to Croatia and I had no idea why. I came to Split with no plan, no cash. Just a feeling, an instinctual pull.
September 30, I brought an offering of fruit to the sea. I called on Lakshmi, Venus, my ancestors and guides. I chanted and prayed under a gray sky. The clouds were thick, the water choppy and intimidating. I called out to God to release me from my pain, my traumas, my fears, my doubts. Holding onto the nearest rock, I submerged myself and felt the salt water undulate around me. Through me. When I came out, I felt raw and tender- with new skin.
At that moment the sun began to warm me. I was comforted in this newness, held by a beautiful light.
The next day is a new moon in Libra. I should mention that I am a Libra. I spent an entire day searching for the ancient Roman temple of Venus, having trouble since I cannot read Croatian, or a map for that matter.
I decided I would see a band the night of the new moon at Cafe Lvxor. Through a series of events, I found the very spot I ate dinner was on top of this ancient temple.
Sitting by candlelight, breathing in the feeling of this sacred place, I was surprised with a subtle darkness. This wasn’t a place of fierce feminine power and reverence. It was secretive, obedient. I felt a sadness for the women that were forced to serve at this temple.
That night I dreamt I was a great tree. My feet and legs were roots, deep into the earth. Within my trunk was a warm, golden light. A deer curled up beneath me and squirrels raced through my thick branches. This image gives me so much comfort.
I connected with a healer in California that also touched on an image of a tree, said that great healing for the world was coming through me and gave me a beautiful rose ritual to do under the moonlight.
After a day of preparation, I made my way to the sea in the dark. My fear of not being able to see immediately left when I realized how many stars were watching me and how bright the thumbnail moon had become.
I cried out for my family. A lineage of heartache, violence, cages. I cried out for my friends, my clients. I cried for women across time. For the women forced to serve, to hide their chaos and wildness.
I had infused red roses with prayers for healing, love, mercy, reclamation. As I spread them into the sea and called upon Divinity, there was an answer.
I was in the stars, without a body. Seeing myself chanting on a rock below, bowing to the water.
It wasn’t just about my family. It was healing for all women. The universe has started the cure. Not only for women- for men, children and the Earth itself.
It is important. Women are too important.
It is so much easier to take a job that has strict rules and a schedule. It is so much easier to join a church with a book telling me how to dress and act, what my goals are. It’s hard fighting against the current, and even my own beliefs.
I’ve been known to retreat. Shut my phone off for days at a time, lock myself in my apartment. Then she came. This voice deep inside of me that said “What if?”.
I began exploring possibilities of what my life could be. Then a solid “So what” surprised me one day after I was beaten down and misunderstood. Today I can look any man in the eye and say “Yes. This.”
I am coming back to New York 10,000 years younger and 1,000 pounds lighter.
It may not be a revelation to you, but for me it changes everything. Time was not healing my wounds. Love did. An ancient part of myself started to wake up and guide my life. She started off as a whisper, and now she’s a fierce growl.
For my sister, my mother, my grandmother, my nieces. The abuse and handling, the dissolution of power stops. Our family is healed. We rise up as powerful women. We are light, we are love, power and healing. We are successful, wealthy, compassionate. Wild and tender. Today is mine. Ours. I call out for healing of all my sisters and friends. For every woman going forward that I will meet. I promise to cherish every breath. To nurture and appreciate my body. To detach from outcomes and expectations.
I forgot that I am a powerful being. The moon and I are from the same atoms. The sea and I are from the same spark. I am not afraid of death- it’s an opportunity. I do not regret or worry, this is much bigger than me.