Fear Driven

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Can I listen to myself?

“Focus on what kind of person you want to be and the rest of what you want will fall into place.”

My advice to a young college student when I noticed him admiring my new BMW.

“I’m going to have 2 badass cars once I finish dental school.” He replied, not picking up on my message.

“I’m about to trade in my badass car for my happiness.”

 

And I did. I left my twin turbo, shiny BMW in Dallas and went after my life. Sometimes the things I have weigh me down from my truest desires.

I knew that when I moved to New York I would have to significantly downsize my closet(S). Clothes and shoes had been for so long an immediate break from my suppressed life. I longed for intimacy and sex, so I bought Prada loafers. No one knew my guilt for not wanting my life, Burberry trench coat. I was so numb inside I could no longer cry myself to sleep, Marc Jabobs handbag.

There was so much anxiety involved when I thought of giving up my things. “How would I dress?” “What would people think of me?”.

Thank god those voices vanished as I sold and donated my collection. I had to make room for my new life, whatever that was.

My husband and I never slept in the same bed.

It wasn’t something I longed for, because I never had it. Dating, he lived in Dallas and I lived in Houston. Even when he would come to visit, we were always with friends or drinking late night.

I had wild dreams of us finally living in the same city and having a sweet love affair. Except, I got to Dallas and that never happened.

Shortly after he proposed we began avoiding each other. This was easy since he worked nights and weekends.

One period, he did make an effort to get into bed before I woke up for my day. It was strange and forced.

Once we broke up I was terrified of sleeping beside someone. I’d probably hate it. What if  I didn’t hate it? What if I couldn’t sleep without it? What if it went away?

My girlfriends and I were at a concert, knowing a certain person that I liked would be there. After, we ended up at the same house party. I turned to my friend and said “What if I made out with him?” So she invited him back to her place.

After kale with fried eggs and hours of YouTube videos, my girlfriend finally went to sleep. He immediately grabbed my face and kissed me fiercely. It was exactly what I had been craving. A couple of hours later, he wanted to cuddle up and sleep on the sofa.

I panicked. This was too much for me. I can’t.

As soon as he drifted to sleep, I scrambled to the floor and had the worst nights’ sleep on my friends living room rug.

If he thought it was weird, he didn’t say.

A couple of weeks later, I decided I wanted to have sex with this man. We exchanged sexy texts, flirted when we saw each other in public.

I got a message to meet him at the Old Monk for a beer. He introduced me to his friends, kept his hand on my leg.

Then leaned down and whispered “Come home with me.” So I did.

After sex, he went to the bathroom to wash up and I immediately grabbed my clothes. There was no way I could sleep over.

As I tied my shoe he ran over, lifted me off of the ground and sat me on his bed “What is it?”.

After talking for sometime and another round of sex, I decided to try it. I fell asleep on his chest. I loved it. It was warm and sexy and comfortable. It didn’t change me.

When I sleep in my bed alone there is no pining. I’m not broken. I can allow the good without an unrealistic fear of losing myself.

I love sleeping alone, I also love sleeping next to a man I adore.

Fear is no longer driving. I will continue jumping in to my fears until they dissolve or I completely understand them.

Whether that’s allowing pleasure, traveling to a new country, or selling everything and moving to New York with no job or plan- my life is much fuller when I lead myself in love. I love myself so much that I don’t want to miss an experience.

 

 

 

 

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