I’m so sick of my own bullshit.
I have spent the past year removing these beautiful stories my mind has created to present to the world as to what my past is and where I come from and who I am. I am not my mind. My mind is a tool that protects me, it is not me. My thoughts do not make me who I am. Thank God.
This weekend I dug deep, put in the work to get where I want to be, and some ugly truths came up.
“Men are for money, not for love.”
This one tore through me on a farm in upstate New York. I was dancing around a fire with other fierce women- allowing my wild. In a prayer, I released this concept into the nights sky. I am so ready to be wealthy. And I’m ready to be fucking loved.
I see the good in people. I have never met a broken person. Yet, I hold onto this belief that I am the only broken person in the world. I accepted it. Created a life around this notion.
“Be a good girl and the world will accept you.”
One of my convenient personas is the meek and mild lady that stays positive and doesn’t rock the boat. She’s not me. This weekend I danced in the mud, had a photographer take pictures of me in lingerie, and I accepted that authenticity is more important than being accepted and making other people comfortable.
“If I lessen myself, people won’t be able to hurt me.”
I hide behind glasses, pseudo-intellect and a controlling personality. When in reality, I want to epitomize sexy. I want to move my body with ease and pleasure. I want to look into everyone’s eyes and not only see them, but let them truly see me.
These are a few of the core truths that I have been holding onto and living by. They’re lies. They’re not real. I am reacting to events that have happened in my past, without realizing it.
Meeting myself where I’m at is powerful. This weekend I spent three days with a group of beautiful women, tapping into our bodies and true selves. I felt anxiety and shame and so much fear. But I heard my own voice say “I got a lot of shit, but I’m here.” Intimacy and connection with men still scares me. I still have moments of perverse self doubt and abhorrence. And that’s where I’m at.
I have a fire under my feet to share my story and the tools that helped me along the journey of self love, actualization and spirituality. My prayer is to get out of my own way to do this work.